Second nastygram! I love you! I love you! You love me! You love me! I'm drowning in love!

February 21, 2002

Re: Unauthorized Use of Intellectual Property
Dear Sir or Madam:

They still haven't figured out my sex. Either I'm epistemologically vague or they're morons, I'm not sure which.

As you are aware, this firm is counsel to Lyons Partnership, L.P. (?Lyons Partnership?), the owners of the exclusive right to use the copyrighted children?s dinosaur character Barney.

Oh, now they're telling me about my awareness. Pretty amazing that they seem to know all about my state of conciousness.

We previously notified you of our client?s objection to your website on the basis that it incorporates copyrighted images without permission from Lyons Partnership.

Yes, they did previously notify me, and a rollicking good read it was, too. OK, I'm being sarcastic. I'm trying to follow the Barney Rule of LOVE EVERYBODY, but it's not easy. At least I'm trying, though. They're not even trying to follow the Barney Rule, which means that they're implicitly admitting that Barney's a fraud. I digress

Lyons Partnership maintains its objection to your use of our copyrighted images as set forth in our February 11, 2002 letter.

Who said Barney can't compete with Sesame Street? Barney teaches counting, too!

We must hear from you by March 4, 2002. Your response must provide written assurances by that [sic ] you have ceased and desisted from reproducing, distributing, performing by means of digital audio transmission, or displaying the copyrighted character Barney.

Barney doesn't teach syntax, it seems. I must assure them that I've "ceased ... performing by means of digital audio transmission ... the copyrighted character." What does that mean? How can I cease doing something that's literally meaningless?

And why do I keep getting the feeling that they're just sticking in boilerplate that has nothing to do with my site? Maybe because they're, well, just sticking in boilerplate that has nothing to do with my site? A lot of lawyering, in fact, consists of glorified file clerking; standard forms are pulled out of binders and filled in for the client. I always wonder if the client is being billed as if the lawyers had actually done some work.